Parents' remarks--Given by Eric Rowley at the funeral service for his son Logan Rowley
I would first like to thank all those in attendance and especially those who have participated in the program. As we planned the program, we chose to include the things that we knew would be comforting and honoring of Logan and they have been.
I anticipated that there would be some friends and associates in attendance who have religeous beliefs different than I. I was concerned they may be confused or offended by the religeous overtones of this service so I asked my brother in law Walt to explain some of our beliefs of Heavenly Father’s plan regarding life and death and what comes after death. I asked that he do this in a way that would not be too preaching rather in an informational way that would help people understand how we cope with Logan’s passing. I knew he would do an outstanding job and I hope everyone was able to accept his message with the spirit it was intended.
I know that people outside the innermost circle of Logan’s family and support team have struggled to understand Logan and our family situation. I am sure people have wondered about what Logan could understand, what he was capable of accomplishing, what level of communication he could engage in, why he survived as long as he did, and what justified the efforts and expense to sustain his life. I’m not sure I am capable of answering these questions directly, but I hope the totality of my remarks will raise everyone’s understanding.
I want you all to know that when I speak of things dear to my heart I generally become an emotional mess. This will inevitably happen and when it does, you should know that it is not due to unbearable grief. It’s just a personal weakness that I have never been able to conquer.
Brenda and I were married at an advanced age by Utah standards. I was 30 when we were married mostly due to my klutziness with girls than any other reason I may have feigned at the time. I always loved small children and my nephews and nieces gave me plenty exposure and rewarding experiences with children, but after a couple years of marriage when Brenda became pregnant, there was never a child more eagerly anticipated, appreciated, and loved from the beginning than Logan.
When Logan was six weeks old he suffered a brain hemorrhage one evening that went undetected until we took him to the emergency room after being unable to awaken him the next morning. I cannot explain in words the sinking feeling to utter despair I felt as the seriousness of his condition began to be revealed as the doctors and nurses frantically scurried about. I remember calling my sister Leslie from the E.R. and being unable to utter a word. If you can imagine playing charades over the telephone, that is what our conversation was like. It went something like this:
Les: Is something wrong?
Me: yah.
Les: Is it Logan?
Me: yah.
Les: Are you at the hospital?
Me: yah
Les: Do you need me to come?
Me: Yah
Les literally had to put the words in my mouth. I’ve informed her that if I am unable to get through this talk, she will once again be called on to speak my words.
The initial experience in the E.R. and the horrible days that followed in the P.I.C.U. at Primary Children’s Medical Center marked the time I began grieving for the loss of my precious son who was so long in coming into my life. Later as sorrow began to fade we recognized we still had an astonishingly beautiful and precious child. I’m sure I’ll overuse that word, “precious”, before I’ve said my piece. As we began to adjust and adapt and understand Logan, we became aware that the investment of our time and efforts only enhanced and expanded our love for him.
One thing that I have come to appreciate from the experience of being Logan’s Dad is the power of a Mother’s instinct to protect and preserve the life of her children. When we finally came to terms with the agonizing decision of saying so long to our infant child and having life-support systems removed and we had let all the family members say their good-byes and we were left alone with Logan after the breathing tube had been removed, I remember thinking to myself “stop breathing, go quickly and peacefully”. Then I heard Brenda plead, “breathe Logan.” Perhaps Brenda was allotted an extra dose of this protective instinct—I have seen it manifest many times since.
Logan did continue to breathe and fight and struggle for life. This time and several times since he defied doctors’ predictions that “this time I just don’t think he is going to make it.” One of the phrases that has been used many times to describe Logan is that he is a fighter.
I only recently learned that during the difficult time when we were struggling to make sense of and deal with the initial situation, Logan’s Grandpa had attempted to console me be commenting that we can’t understand Heavenly Father’s motives or something like that. I have no recollection of this but he claims that if looks could kill he would be dead. He said he feared he was going to have to pick himself off from the floor. As I say I, have no recollection of this and it seems totally out of character for me and I have apologized for my behavior.
When well-intentioned comments like Grandpa’s were made I only remember thinking my Heavenly Father could not have had anything to do with this. I don’t pretend to know all of the answers. While I believe that Heavenly Father knows and loves us individually, I still refuse to believe that He micromanages our lives to the extent that He would think, “gee I think Brenda and Eric Rowley need to learn some lessons and receive some blessings so I think I’ll strike their innocent baby with a brain hemorrhage.”
What I do believe is that we are all placed on this earth and we all have to exist and exercise our free will under certain governing laws of physics and probability as well as spiritual laws and in the end we all go through trying times and we will learn, grow, and be blessed through these experiences. Being blessed with an absolutely perfect sweet celestial soul in our home for the past seven and a half years has been an honor and a pleasure and a challenge. It has certainly helped keep us grounded (literally and figuratively) and has motivated us to try and maintain an eternal perspective. The belief in the things my brother in law Walt discussed has been a true comfort and pillar from which to draw strength.
Among the many blessings that have come into our lives through Logan is the service that has been rendered. I will come back to this theme over and over again. One of the first acts of service that touched our lives occurred when we were slated to be out of our first home just one or two days after Logan was released from the hospital (so that he could die at home since he wasn’t cooperating in the hospital). And, there is a humorous story that goes along with this. Apparently somehow word spread through our church congregation that Logan had passed away. When we showed up for church with Logan in tow you can imagine how chins dropped. It was like Tom Sawyer walking into his own funeral. Later in the day a list was passed around the congregation for volunteers to come help us pack up and clean the house. I think every single person signed the list. The next day people followed through. In a matter of two hours all of our belongings were packed, the moving van was loaded, and the house was spotless. Afterward people continued to arrive; they shed tears of disappointment when they learned there was nothing more for them to help with.
We moved on up to Missoula Montana where we met some great friends and had wonderful experiences. At that time we slowly began to understand Logan and read his signals and recognize his needs and how to meet them. One thing that became evident was that his body did not metabolize at the normal rate. This was evident or perhaps caused by the low body temperature he maintained. In fact upon learning that Logan’s temperature was measured to be around 90o F, one doctor at the emergency room in Missoula, coldly replied (no pun intended), “That’s impossible, I’ve seen corpses warmer than that.”
As unbelievable as it may be, it is a fact that Logan’s body temperature did hover around 90o F and it was a constant struggle, particularly in the Winter, to keep him sufficiently warm. It became my duty to share body heat with Logan. We became great sleeping buddies.
Logan’s low metabolic rate also played into the fact that he became a very pudgy infant. We would call him the “michelon tire baby”. You could literally count a half dozen rolls on his belly and his arms and legs had a similar look to them. Brenda may not be flattered by my sharing with you that she pumped breast milk for an entire year so that Logan could have the very best nutrients. When Logan went off the breast milk and onto an infant formula, he really trimmed down.
Once my friend Mike Crittenden came up to Missoula to visit and do some kayaking. One morning I woke up and he was gone. He shortly returned with a gallon of milk. I asked why he went for milk when there was a nearly full gallon of milk in the refrigerator. He responded that he didn’t want to take any chances since Brenda was pumping her breast milk.
You know? You would be amazed at what you can adjust to: from pumping breast milk for a year, to being spewed on, peed on, pooped on, to sleeping in a Lazy-Boy chair with someone on your lap, to having your precious child on the very cusp of life. This is illustrated by a story involving the button that was surgically implanted directly into Logan’s stomach to which a feeding tube could be attached. The folks at the hospital that taught us how to use and maintain this button said that if it were accidentally pulled out it would be a medical emergency and the hole into his stomach would begin to close up within twenty minutes.
Sure enough one time while we were visiting Grandma and Grandpa in Oregon, I picked up Logan while his feeding tube was still attached. It caught on something and the button popped out. I was a bit panicked and fumbled around and didn’t do things just right and was unable to get the button back in place. So we rushed to the nearest hospital which happened to be in a nearby town. More than twenty minutes elapsed and we were very worried. It turned out that the doctor was able to get it back in place easily. No harm done (and Grandpa had a blast racing to the hospital at incredible speeds). Over the course of time, the feeding button was dislodged several more times and it became old hat to re-insert it. Except for one time when I was sure that I was doing everything right and I tried and tried to insert the button without success and I began to panic all over again. I was worried that the hole had closed up until I realized that I was trying to place the device in Logan’s belly-button.
Among the many things which “normal” people do that Logan was incapable of are crying and vocalizing. One time while Brenda was grocery shopping with a friend, when Logan was still only months old, he got a sad expression on his face and began to cry for the first time. As you can imagine, Brenda was thrilled and overcome with emotion. She and her friend must have been quite a sight openly sobbing in the grocery store. We later learned that what we thought was Logan crying was really a seizure. This is indicative of the up and down roller coaster we have experienced. We didn’t like the fact that Logan would have seizures, but we loved to hear his voice and the sad expression on his face was so pathetic that it was adorable.
Besides being my sleeping buddy, Logan was my bath buddy as well. I quickly learned that for some odd reason whenever I would place his left foot in the warm water he would make a cute cueing sound. This, the seizure cry, and an occasional sigh were the only sounds Logan made with his vocal chords. I would repeatedly lift his foot out of the water and drop it again so that I could hear his voice. Around Christmas time I would sing Deck the Halls and try to time it just right so that when I dropped his foot in the water he would sing the final “la” of the fa-la-la-la-la. A couple of times at family Christmas parties during the talent show portion relatives were set back a little and were curious when we said that Logan had a talent to present. When he hit that note that “la” he got a stirring ovation.
I’ve alluded to some of the hundreds of doctors and nurses that in one way or another have been involved with caring for Logan. I don’t want my remarks to leave the false impression that we have been dissatisfied with their service. I want to express my sincere appreciation for the compassionate care they have provided.
We didn’t much like going to Primary Children’s medical center. It is a wonderful facility with many resources. We are glad it is there and we know of the many services that are available and the incredible things that are accomplished. But it is so big and in some ways impersonal. When we were there, it seemed like we would see a different nurse every day and a different doctor every hour.
In contrast the staff at Logan Regional Hospital was very stable and consistent. With each visit we could count on compassionate care from the same doctors, nurses, respiratory therapists, etc. We have come to know some of these people very well. We hope they know of our appreciation for them.
I particularly want to recognize the efforts of Dr. Schnieder. I think he was a fairly new doctor when he agreed to be Logan’s primary care physician. He must have been hard up for patients. I am sure that he has learned a lot from Logan. Logan must have had some sense of time because it seemed like whenever he had a crisis it was on a weekend. Dr. Schnieder never once gave the impression that he was frustrated with calls at inconvenient times or with the decisions and requests we would make. He was very diligent in researching literature and trying to provide the very best care he knew how. From what Brenda says, the look on his face revealed the pleasure he felt when we recently brought Adam in with Strep--finally, a Rowley child with a condition that is straight forward to diagnose and treat.
I also want to recognize all of Logan’s therapists, respite care providers, educators, friends, my colleagues, our neighbors, ward members, and family that have rendered service to him and our family—to all of these people I express our sincere and heart-felt gratitude.
Now for whom I referred to earlier as Logan’s inner most circle of family and support team. Within this group I would like to single out and pay tribute to his immediate family, his Grandmom (my mom), his Aunt Leslie (my sister), his longest running respite care provider Abby, and his classroom teacher last year Connie.
I can’t imagine a better special education teacher, ever, anywhere, than Connie Rawlins. She made sure Logan’s time at school was productive and stimulating and made us feel that he was welcomed and wanted at school. She also displayed a sincere interest in his well-being. I don’t know if she ever crossed the boundaries of professionalism to make a personal connection with our family, but if she did we love her for it.
Abby who is a former student of mine we hired with some money provided by the state for respite has been a life saver for us and we regard her as an unofficially adopted member of the family. Sometimes when times were tough she was the only one that was able to coax what we called a happy face onto Logan’s face. She did many things for and with our family off the clock (and we want her to know that we expect this to continue).
Besides my mother and Abby, my sister Leslie is the only other person that we could feel totally comfortable leaving Logan with for an extended period of time. These ladies are the only ones that knew Logan well enough to recognize his needs and how and when to feed him and give his medicines and such. Leslie has her plate absolutely full and has not hesitated to come to our rescue on many occasions. We love and appreciate her.
Next my mother—an absolute saint. I hope there is room on her coat tails for me because I know that she will end up in the best place imaginable. I can’t begin to list all of the things that she and Dad have done for us. Suffice it to say that her life is the epitome of selflessness and service. To quote a scripture with some minor editing, ”whosoever will lose her life for my sake the same shall save it.
Logan’s siblings, of course, are too small to understand everything. Perhaps they understand some things better than we adults and know that life and death is but a blip on the radar screen. We’ve made an effort to include Logan in the kid things like dressing up for Halloween, birthday parties, going to the beach, camping, and so forth. Once we buried Logan in the sand pile so that nothing but his head stuck out. It was days before we were able to get all the sand out of his hair and various body cavities.
Sometimes Adam and Anna were a bit standoffish when it came to interacting with Logan. But when Adam’s kindergarten classmates questioned him about Logan, his teacher told of how Adam explained that Logan was special and that he couldn’t walk or talk right now, but that someday he would. Sometimes Brenda would ask Adam to watch Logan while she had to go away for a few minutes and Adam was very diligent and compassionate in doing this. Often Adam would pray that Logan would get better or that he would someday be able to walk and talk with him. Just recently, he prayed that Logan would be resurrected soon. I want our children to know that we will make an effort to talk about Logan frequently so that they can remember him. I want them to know that Logan loves them.
I can’t say enough about Brenda. I have already mentioned how she would virtually will Logan to live. That scripture I quoted about giving up ones life in reference to my Mother applies an hundred fold to Brenda. As I also mentioned earlier, the more you invest in your child, the greater your love for that child. Brenda has her entire existence invested in Logan. Her love and her loss is unimaginable. I love her and I hope that I can be understanding, patient, and supportive as she adjusts to a new life.
To every one that my remarks have encompassed and to everyone here, I would like to conclude by reading words of our savior that apply to you all:
Mathew 25: 35-40
The final thing I want to say about Logan is that we will miss his cuddles, his hands, his curly hair that people always noticed and commented on, his sweet spirit—I wish I could avoid a cliché here but there is no better way to say it—he truly had a sweet, sweet spirit. I don’t know everything he was able to understand and feel, but I know that he was able to feel and reciprocate an absolute and unconditional love.